Update: We Broke Up

HAHA.

Yep, not the usual update after what seemed like forever. Honestly, I didn't know this site was existing until my mind wandered from the past, and poof, this site is a sole reminder of how messed up life can be.

Yes, we broke up.

The funny part though was the fact that I paid a heaping amount of money to finish the last two sets of my CE Ref 7th Edition so I can start checking possible questions for the upcoming board exam. And oh, yeah I graduated —finally —from that endless Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering (yeeey) and now I am in my last 3 weeks of preparation before taking my first-ever licensure exam. I arrived at the study hub at 7 am and found myself lost in words and memories I thought were long forgotten.

Okay, let's go back to that "broken relationship" situation.

Oh dear, I honestly have no idea where to start. It was bliss. We were on cloud nine. So many things have transpired since he graduated from his training. I went back to Mindanao to finish my school, he wanted me to stay, we lived like a couple, spent a week together... the list was painfully endless. And I was never any happier it happened. There is no way I could turn back time but if there is any chance to bring back time, I will never change anything about it. It was perfect as it was even when we failed to keep our promises after almost four years of being together.

I have moved on from pointing fingers.

The house already burned to ashes and we have continued our lives apart. We learned to proceed with our dreams without each other. We have met people along the way and fell in love all over again. We grew up. Time changed us. Life changed us. For good? Maybe. But that's how it is right? We learn.

Mac —who I used to call "babe", "Dee", and all the names included — in this site, I thank you. Those memories we shared were golden. They were the best of times and I couldn't agree more why love is such a beautiful word. I am the luckiest to experience it firsthand with you. I have prayed so badly that we will get to see each other and formally bid our goodbyes for the last time before we both decide to tie the knot with our future partners. I have so many things to tell you but still building that courage to speak out with ease and confidence, knowing that I will not cry at least. (Definitely crying now)

And wow, I realized just now that I haven't fully buried the hatchet after all these years.

I can't remember when was the last time I wrote something this raw. I can't remember the feeling of being so genuinely happy or hurt or simply feeling real emotions. Time indeed changed us. The magic wore out and the passion was unconsciously forgotten. We were too focused on growing up, on bottling our thoughts for the greater good, that we somehow forget that we are just humans capable of hurting and being hurt. And that's okay. Crying will not make us weak. Speaking our thoughts doesn't make us lose this battle. Being honest does not complicate the reality we are currently in. And writing all these now frees me at least from the questions I badly wanted to ask myself: Was it worth it?

I have to wipe a tear or two while writing this.

My heart is heavy. I want to finish a bottle or two of wine after this —honestly. But will that bring you back to me? As I wake up tomorrow, will I have you again? And did I mention just earlier that I have an upcoming major exam? So uh, life once again got in between us. We have priorities to keep our heads straight at least. I cannot afford to be a drama queen because my future is at stake. You have things to settle on your end as well. Growing up taught us that the world is not just about the two of us. That this "Mark and May, the Story of Us" is after all, not just about us.

It is about our stories to be told even after the breakup. It is about two people who found love and got hurt by it. Picking ourselves from that mess and rebuilding from broken pieces to become a better version of ourselves.

It was not a loss. It was an opportunity to experience love as how we both define it. It was wonderful. It was pure. It was temporary, but it will forever be a huge part of us.

So, what now?

Unfortunately, it would be a waste to delete this site. It's an online diary with very limited entries. I wanna keep this. I'd like to see how I will take life beyond our story. I would like to record how I made it without you pasted in that so-called supposed future. I would like to be inspired by our little innocent story knowing that love can still be a real thing. Maybe not with you but with the people more deserving to be part of our love stories.

I am surprisingly excited because adventure awaits!

I miss you still even when you stopped saying "I miss you, too" a long time ago.