I'm such a Mess

You see, having a relationship is not a simple thing. You go through a lot of mess.

I came to the point of trying to push people away from me--including Mark--just to figure out what I really want. I want to see who I am without the attachment of the man I love and who loves me deeply. I want to feel that moment when I wake up early in the morning and just get over it without the pang of pain after seeing that there is no morning message sent.

Unfortunately, getting into a serious relationship doesn't work that way.

I am learning, I swear I am, but it takes a lot of work. There are days when I am too happy, too down, too monotone, too zombie, too sad, too useless, too workaholic... and too messed up. And it's a ride of roller coaster. it's too tiring to figure it all out in one sitting. My patience runs out when I have to wait for answers and reasons why things are happening. It's so full of confusing dramas and I hate it.

Then emotions flood and I'm drowning.

The stupid part is to push away the people who want to help me off the chain of uncertainty. Mark knows everything that has been going on with me and I hope I can conceal other things because I know it's hurting him too. He'd been to patient with me. My great listener if there are nonsense thoughts going through my mind.

Baby, I'm not perfect.

I am not sorry for who I am but I am trying otherwise. It's not easy I know but maybe this is part of growing up in our relationship. We have to let each other in through ups and downs and help each other to at least figure it out. I can be very stubborn---and thanks for correcting me--but this is a process we have to go through and I guess that's normal?

I love you still.

#mess #relationship #love #markandmay #imperfect