Last Letter to the One that Got Away

Time check: It's 9 in the morning on Sunday

I am in my study area, eyes puffed, and still got that morning breath. I had my breakfast ready before the clock hit 7 am and my last episode of Netflix's Night Agent series was concluded with a sigh. And when all else went silent, I remember YOU. I remember you, Mark Jhon. Here's the last letter as I finally close our book.

Yesterday, April 15, 2023, I was excited when I received my seat number. It was 23—our number. My board exam will be on the 23rd day of April 2023 and what's better than that, right? But it sucked. It really did. My final preboard exam just sucked and I was totally frustrated I was holding my tears as I went out of my testing room, brain exhausted and my anxiety attack about to drop the bomb. And I thought about you. I thought about calling you and telling you how my day was full of shit. I thought about crying to you and just hearing your voice. I thought about simply being next to you at that very vulnerable moment. It was all shitty, Mac, and it was a shame all I thought was you and your voice.

Fast forward, I already dried my tears after talking to Papang. I chatted few quality people to remind me that I will get through this. And after I bathed and settled in my bed, that's when it occurred to me that I was initially thinking about you. So I removed you from the blocked list and called. You answered on the fifth ring. You used to answer my call halfway on the first ring but things have changed.

It was the worst decision but could have been the best timing to remind me that it is better to let the sky fall all at once. After hearing my frustrations and wiping endless tears, you dropped your own bomb. You are now in a relationship with this BFP girl you met. A bit older than you are but who cares when you finally got her YES. And you were talking about her with a smile in your voice and I couldn't help but feel the tearing of my heart. You're happy. I would be lying if I tell you I am happy for you because that's total bullshit. No Mac, I was broken with how my preboard turned out, and with your news, I am far worse than a pigment of ash. That crushed me. Exactly a week before my exam, that news just crushed me. And I am not going to point fingers this time because no, not again, I will put blames on other people for my fate. I am in a very deep low morale situation right now but I tell you I will get there. I will be a Licenced Civil Engineer next week and not even the death of my most beloved cat can stop me from getting that let alone your wedding plans next year.

No, I am not angry at you. I am not angry with myself.

We're just two people finally letting go of what we used to have. I firmly decided that last night which is why I am posting this while the emotions are still raw. I might let this moment slip and adulting does that but I would like to record this growth. That this part of my life did happen. That I cried my heart out. I even told you why you didn't wait for me, that you were supposed to give me a chance to get through my mishaps and at least retain what I still have. No. You went your way unlike what you promised. I thought I could still hug you before I leave for Mindanao. One. Last. Fucking. Time. But no, you had your plans set and I cannot blame you. You fucking deserve it while I am here loathing time why it moved so slowly for not getting that license earlier so I can at least present myself as the engineer that got away. NO. YOU GOT AWAY. And that fucking sucks.

Yeah, maybe I am angry. With you or myself, I don't know. What I do know is that it will all pass. I still have exams in less than a week and I will deal with my emotional instability after. There's just a lot at stake at this point so I might as well divert my point of interest somewhere far more important. I will be fine. You know I will always be. And no, I am tired of saying sorry because guilt made me keep you but even that dried off. For once, I would like to accept us as it is and proceed with life.

On this day, I will erase that thought, Mac. I have already deleted existing posts on Instagram last night and I will keep this site for personal growth. I do not know if you can read this but I pray you will because this is going to be the last bit of you. This will be the last time I will talk about you on this site. This is going to be the last letter to you.

For what it's worth, I owe you the first love story I will tell my children. I wish you well and thank you for everything.

Signing off,

Lynette