Becoming the Woman I Hate

I never thought I would turn into someone I used to loathe. And yet here I am—becoming that exact person I wish to die in my very own hands.

I have no anger in my heart but looking before the mirror, I remind me of her.

She knows what's at stake and yet she still goes for it, getting more addict each day. I told myself, "Okay, we should be done by now. All these nonsenses must go." But one thought just brings me all the way back.

Yes, you don't know what I am talking about. I have changed through time, evolving to the worst side of my monstrosity. My conscience is fading, and I am not grasping the righteousness. I stopped meditating (again), allowing my dark demons to succumb me to this cruel reality. There are days I am deep in my craft. There are also nights I am deep in bed with someone I don't even love.

I remember one night while I was safely cuddled in his arms, he asked me. "So... where are we?" I know what he meant. I am way too old for courtship. I don't like flowers. I hate gestures that simply imply effort. I don't like commitment. I know he was asking at what point in relationship are we other than being each other's one call away when the night is cold. And silly—yet honest—me I immediately replied, "In bed." I can feel how he sighed helplessly knowing he can't get any serious answer from me. I invited him to sleep with the reason of being early to work.

When there are emergencies, I can call him, and he'll be there. He even waits outside the house while I tend my business. He likes long rides to get some fresh air. He like pillow talks. Good morning messages are constant. He even went as far as adding me in Facebook. Yet here I am—noticing yet not reciprocating it all. Why would I? I have no relationship plans for now. I laid it all out before even engaging to our intimate connection. In short, I am becoming the red flag. I am becoming the woman I hate.

Ask me if when am I even going to stop.

I can't just yet. I still want to see how far I can go. I know it's stupid but how else am I going to get away with the demons who once killed my innocence if I cannot outrun them? Basic.